It was exactly this time last year that I was coming out of my first silent retreat. Two weeks prior, we found out that our motorcycle was delayed again. The one month ETA the shipping company had given us had passed, as did the second. We were now heading into the third month, and the situation made me feel frustrated and anxious. Even though I had broken away from the conventional lifestyle and was now drifting across Mexico, I still felt like I was lacking the freedom I was seeking. I was struggling, and I blamed it on the external factor of not having our motorcycle. The real struggle was a mix of things not going the way I had pictured, and not allowing myself the time to adjust to my new life.

The transition from living in a house in Canada, to living on the road in Mexico was disorienting. For two months we had been walking through cities and streets we weren’t familiar with, using a new currency, and struggling to communicate in a language we were just learning. Our days were filled with eating new foods, sleeping in new places, and meeting new people. Even our marriage felt new, as we remapped it around 24/7 togetherness. The unfamiliarity of everything was overwhelming and, at times, frustrating. In the real hard moments, I missed my life back home: the routine, comfort, and safety of it. I had to remind myself every day to be patient – with myself, Bren, and others – as I adjusted to this new version of life.

While deciding what we would do with our extra time, I came across a 3 day silent meditation retreat happening close to where we were – in 10 days. What better time to practice stillness! Those moments when I missed the ease of life back home, was my way of running from the challenge and discomfort. Pausing for a minute, or 4,320, to take a look inside, was just what I needed.

I remember “open heart, fresh eyes,” were the words I used to sum up how I felt after those 3 days of silence, yoga, and meditation. As I blissfully floated through the first week following the retreat, I started to write about my experience in more detail. I wanted to share the breakthroughs and profound joy I had experienced. That was until I received devastating news, and fell from my cloud of joy, quicker than I had landed there.

The words I wrote about the silent retreat were soon forgotten, as I plummeted into a darkness I had never experienced before. Back then, I felt fraudulent sharing about this experience, when only shortly after, I fell into a depression. And in the depths of my depression, I was to ashamed to be honest and tell this part of the story along with it. And now, here I am, one year later, ready to share with you how my first silent retreat opened me up to the greatest joy, and then, the greatest anguish, I had ever felt.

‘THE UNIVERSE AS YOU KNOW IT IS YOUR UNIVERSE. THEREFORE, YOU ARE THE CENTRE OF YOUR UNIVERSE.’
-CLAUDIU VADUVA

Day one of the retreat was easy, but only because I was asleep most of the time. I dozed in and out of meditation, and slept during the breaks. Part of it was the come down from the excitement and anticipation of getting there, the other – boredom. Our teacher, Claudiu Vaduva, mused out loud, “Isn’t it interesting how almost everyone can sit quietly for 2 hours and watch a movie, but hardly anyone can sit with themselves in silence that long.” The statement directed me to some important questions. Why is that? I spend so much time keeping myself busy, checking things off my ‘to do’ list, WHY can’t I sit with myself for 60, 30, or even 15 minutes? Am I bored of myself? And, if I can’t sit with myself, how could I expect someone else to?

‘YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE ABLE TO FIND 30 MINUTES TO MEDITATE IN A DAY. IF YOU FIND YOU ARE TOO BUSY FOR THAT, THEN YOU SHOULD MEDITATE FOR 1 HOUR OR MORE AND CONTEMPLATE ON REPRIORITISING YOUR LIFE.’
– CLAUDIU VADUVA

The second day was much more difficult than the first. Thoughts were continuously flooding my head – and they weren’t great ones. Mostly, I thought about all the things I didn’t like about my personality. I became frustrated because although I was aware of these things, and where they traced back to, I didn’t know how to change them – and I was here to change them, right? The whole day I felt like a child, naive and immature. I scratched “What am I doing here?” and “I am not ready for this.” across my notebook. Claudiu, whose words always seemed to be in step with what I was feeling and thinking, said, “Don’t desire or imagine to be someone you aren’t. Where you are now is where you should begin. Start where you are, not where you want to be.”

‘WE FOCUS TOO MUCH ON THE WAVES (OUR MIND/THOUGHTS) AND NOT ENOUGH ON THE DEPTH UNDER THE WAVES (INSIDE OUR SELVES). WHEN THE WATER SETTLES YOU CAN SEE THROUGH. YOU NEED TO GIVE YOURSELF SOME QUIET TIME, CREATE THE CONDITIONS FOR YOURSELF TO CALM THE WAVES SO YOU CAN SEE INTO THE DEPTH.’
-CLAUDIU VADUVA

At the lecture that afternoon, Claudiu explained, “When something bad happens we have a tendency to armour ourselves so that it won’t happen again but in doing this we are armouring ourself from beauty as well. Now people have to pass an invisible test to get passed the armour. You are deluding yourself to be aware and still choose to be this way. Bring it up and witness it from a witness perspective, don’t push it away. See your fear and vulnerability. If you find discomfort, remove the label, and just let it be. Remain neutral and un-reactive – to anxiety, to judgement, to negative feelings. There is no such thing as discomfort, it’s just a thought. When it comes to the sensation, embrace it. Sit with it, it’s there because you ran away from it in the first place.” I started crying as he spoke these words. I was sitting in a room of two dozen people but it was like he was talking right to me.

Unsurprisingly, the immediate question I thought next was how I was going to break this armour down. I started to write the following dialogue out in my journal:
“Maybe you are feeling like a child now because that is when you ran from the pain and built this armour.
“But how do I break down the armour now?”
“Go back to it, be that child. Sit with the pain. Embrace it. Stop running.”
I spent the whole 30 minutes of my next meditation picturing myself tearing down the invisible armour around my heart, clawing at it in panic and desperation.

‘WOULD YOU RATHER BE AT THE END OF YOUR LIFE SAYING “I AM NOT REALLY SURE HOW TO LOVE OR WHAT LOVE IS, BUT I PLAYED IT SAFE.” OR, WOULD YOUR RATHER SAY “I’VE BEEN HURT A BUNCH OF TIMES BUT I TRULEY KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.” LIVE WITH SUCH AN OPEN HEART THAT NO MATTER WHAT COMES YOUR WAY – GOOD OR BAD – YOU STILL FIND LOVE.’
-CLAUDIU VADUVA

Later that evening I took a minute to take in the beauty of a flower, pushed away a frustrating thought about the girl who butted in front of me in the tea line, and spent an hour that night looking out at the stars in awe. I realised that these moments of beauty and intimacy with the things around me meant that the meditations were touching something in me – giving me a shift in perspective.

This was my ah-ha moment. This was my answer to HOW. I can’t expect to stop my thinking patterns in one retreat. I’d have to re-train my heart. It would be an ongoing process, and it wouldn’t be easy. I just had to start, and if I messed up, start again! Just with a lot of other things in life – losing weight, learning a new language – you can’t expect quick results. Slowly and determinedly, I could change my whole life, and these moments I was already experiencing was the start.

‘THAT FEELING OF CONNECTION WITH A TREE, THE SKY, A FLOWER – THAT INTIMACY IS NOT A CONNECTION WITH THE PHYSICAL BODY BUT WITH YOU INSIDE, YOUR HEART, YOUR SOUL.’
-CLAUDIU VADUVA

Each day – post breakfast, lunch, and dinner – I would lay on my back on the deck and stare at the sky for an hour or more. In the morning, I’d curiously watch the frigates soar gracefully and effortlessly above the ocean. In the afternoon, I’d be hypnotised by the sunlight as it danced through the leaves of the trees in the warm soft wind. In the evening, I would stare up at the freckled night sky in pure amazement. I saw more shooting stars during those three days than I’ve seen in my entire life. On the second day I thought about how mindfulness was like a shooting star, short and quick, but an incredibly beautiful and magical experience. I made a decision right then and there that I wanted my life to be more like a meteor shower.

‘THERE ARE MANY FASCINATING THINGS IN LIFE BUT THE MOST FASCINATING ARE NOT OBJECTS.’
-CLAUDIU VADUVA

By the third day I had stopped wearing my sandals because I wanted to feel more connected to the earth. I could describe the whole walk to the yoga studio by the way the ground felt on my feet. The sandpaper-like roughness of the concrete road, the stickiness of the wet soapy streams that ran out front of the two Lavanderías that I passed, and the soft and soothing feel of the sand on the last ascent up to the studio. I made a point to try and see everything with my heart, to look for the beauty in the details in everything I saw, and stop zoning out from point A to point B. I wrote, “It is such a shame to be walking around asleep. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Don’t let life pass you by by being asleep during these simple joys, like walking down the street.”

‘WE DO NOT NEED TO HAVE THOUGHTS TO EXIST.”
-CLAUDIU VADUVA

I was becoming aware of all the things I was missing while I’m staring at my phone, or getting lost in my thoughts. I wrote in my notes, “How many minutes in a day are you spending scrolling mindlessly through your phone? Surely the world is more inspiring than other peoples photos on Instagram. Are you craving connection? Talk to your husband, call a friend, or go out and meet someone!! There are way better ways to find connection.”

In the mornings, I could be memorising Bren’s features as he sleeps, or taking a few deep breaths to get into my body, instead of grabbing for my phone. I should be looking around at what is happening on the street. If I wasn’t, I might have missed when the older man dropped a coin from his pocket, and it rolled down the road, sending a helpful stranger running after it. I should be looking up and down, and in gutters, and on rooftops. I should be listening to the sounds around me; perhaps dogs barking, a car going by, or a child laughing. I should be feeling the breeze on my face, the ground under my feet, the brush of the shoulder of a rushing passerby. But, most importantly, I should not only remember to notice these things, but stopping, and enjoying them. And all it takes is practice.

I felt sadness when the three days came to an end, but I knew that it wasn’t over; rather, it was just beginning. I would have to keep re-choosing to stop the pointless and negative thoughts, shift my perspective, refocus my priorities, and practice, practice, practice!

‘ONE STEP IN AWARENESS IS BETTER THAN A TRIP AROUND THE WORLD TOTALLY UNAWARE.’
-CLAUDIU VADUVA

After the closing meditation, Claudiu gathered everyone into a circle and we all had the opportunity to share about our experience, if we wanted. When he announced this, I immediately decided that I would not share about what went on inside my head over those 3 days. When I was struggling in my mediation, sometimes, I would open my eyes, look around, and think that everyone looked so peaceful. I egotistically assumed that I was the only one struggling. That I was, maybe, too inexperienced. But after listening to the first few brave souls who opened up about their journey, I began to change my mind. Although we all had our own personal struggles in life, we were all struggling with the same things during the retreat, and coming to the same realisations. We laughed together, we cried together, every single person spoke that night. The energy inside the room was unlike anything I had ever felt. There was no judgement, only love.

On my walk home that night, I was looking up into the sky and I felt so happy that I began to cry. Then I began to laugh because it seemed so ridiculous. My arrogant teenage self would have made fun of someone if they told me that this had happened to them. It felt surreal, like something I had seen in a movie. I was literally crying over the pure joy of being alive. I couldn’t sleep that night because it was so intoxicating, so I went to lay out on the beach and look up at the stars. I had never felt bliss and oneness in this depth before.

The next day, Bren came to meet me at my Airbnb. He immediately noticed how peaceful and content I was. We spent the whole day enjoying simple things together. We laid on the beach and watched crabs battle one another, played in the waves, and gazed out at the field full of fireflies from the back of a pickup truck that night. I still look back on that day with deep affection and nostalgia. The way he smiled at me, and kept pulling me in for a hug. Although he hadn’t experienced what I had, it was rubbing off, and he couldn’t get enough of it – of me.

In the days that followed the retreat, I had moments when I really noticed the impact it had on me. Those three days really showed me that happiness truly does come from within. True joy does not depend on the surface. Yet, a lot of us still depend on outside circumstances to make us happy (a good relationship, a motorcycle, a healthy dog, travelling, etc), that we forget to pay attention to inside. One day I got frustrated over something so small and insignificant, that Bren and I to began to argue. Instead of getting upset about our argument, I was able to understand in the moment that not everything goes well, and I used it as an opportunity to understand myself. I went and sat in silence. Still, I felt disappointed in myself for being upset. This was a common theme following the retreat. Whenever I fell back into my old ways, I forgot to have patience with myself. Instead, I would feel fraudulent and frustrated. Five minutes later I found myself crying, because in that silence I was able to realise that what I was upset about actually stemmed from something much deeper and painful. I took my realisation to Bren, and we were able to have an honest and open conversation about it, which brought us closer together.

That all sounds great, right? Well, it was, until I got that devastating news I was telling you about – that our beloved six and a half year old lab had cancer and only had months to live. What I didn’t know was that those heightened feelings of joy I had just experienced could also be followed by the same heightened feelings of misery. I fixated on that pain, got stuck, and became depressed. And when I say I was depressed, I am not being dramatic. For the first time in my life I knew what depression actually felt like. The pain became as intoxicating as the joy.

I laid in bed for most of the next two weeks, only getting up to go to the bathroom or eat. Bren would pace the room, sit on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, plead to me to tell him what he could do. I really didn’t know. Our Airbnb host, who became a friend over the month we stayed there, even attempted to come and talk to me. She told me that I would feel better if I got up and did something. They planned a fun day out on the town, but I felt like a ghost. I had fleeting moments of happiness, but it only made me feel guilty for being happy.

After two weeks, I decided that maybe travelling again would make me feel better, so we got on a bus and headed to Oaxaca. The excitement – although I wouldn’t have called it that – of a new place did help temporarily. At the end of our second day there, I remember pointing out that I hadn’t cried that day. It was a significant moment because i was the first day in two weeks I hadn’t. I was weighing the days back then, not counting, and they were really, really heavy.

Every time someone told me that “You’re living the dream.” or “I wish I was in Mexico,” I would fall into a shame spiral. They were right. Most people only dream to be where I am, and I was wasting it. I felt like a failure, and I was deeply ashamed. Only a few short weeks ago I was soaking in wisdom and learning how to be a better version of myself, and this is where I was now. I was letting outside circumstances determine my happiness. I felt like the universe had sent me a test and I had failed miserably. It was all a lot easier when everything was going well but toss a little crisis in there, that shit got hard. I was no longer meditating, doing yoga, or seeing things with an open heart. I was welcoming my negative thoughts, I reacted when I should have responded, and made poor choices.

By mid December we were at our final Airbnb in Veracruz waiting for our motorcycle to arrive at the port. I wanted to pull myself out of the darkness, and to do so I knew I needed to shift my body as well as my perspective. I had never experienced this before, but I knew there were things that could help my brain shift out of the depression. They were the things I used to tell others who were depressed, although I didn’t know until now just how hard it was to do them. I started eating healthier, cut back on alcohol (it was the holidays), and began guided mediations to help ease myself back in. I went out and bought running shoes and started running daily, got out in sunshine whenever possible, and looked for fun activities to do.

It was HARD. I slept in most days, and was up late most nights. Somedays I would go run, but would eat a pizza for dinner. I binged watched Netflix longer than I’d ever admit to. I tried to have patience, and not judge myself, and repeatedly failed. Slowly, and I mean, s l o w l y , I kept moving through it, and the days I felt depressed grew farther apart. It took about a month until getting out of bed became less of a struggle. Despite the fact that I did eventually start feeling joy again, it would be 8.5 months until I could say I truly pulled out of it. What was the turning point? It was seeing my dog again. Who, I am happy to report, is still alive and doing really well!! I have spent this whole past year contemplating why this was/is such a struggle for me, lord knows, I’ve had enough time…but that’s a story for another day…

This 3 day retreat was at Hridaya Yoga in Mazunte, Mexico. The yoga style is Hatha Yoga, and the non-dual teachings are of Ramana Maharishi.